Well I've done it, I've gotten a 50% on the first half of the rtos exam. I know that it’s going to be curved after the other half is complete, but I still don’t feel good about it. I might just barely scrape by with a c- honestly, and I had a 86 going into it... I should have been much busier today but I just couldn't get myself to do anything. I think I am getting fat. I need to work out more. Tomorrow would be a good start I guess I could get one in then. I've been skipping the dishes a lot more lately, just with the lie that I am too busy. I am busy, but I really do have time for the dishes. I took the dog out for a walk today, so I am not entirely slacking off. Today in the capstone course I was only half productive, then I started thinking about my class schedule for the next summer and spring and completely zoned out. Nola kitty has been hanging out with me in my room alot more lately, she hasn't been scared at all, even when I close the door! Historically she hasn't liked my room for some reason, but now she loves it! I've been in a pretty decent mood today, I have a good amount of energy and I think I got enough sleep. The weed headache is slowly going away. maybe ill do better on the next half of my exam because i'll recover a bit from the weed grogginess and maybe get better sleep that day? I didn't get the best sleep Monday when I took the exam just due to stress. I tried to draw a little today but I just didn't feel like it 2 seconds after I started. Before that I was looking at some neo cities websites. Some pretty cool ones! I am honestly so tired. I just want it to be break again. I fucking hate all of this.

Its the strangest thing, its the night before an exam and I am completely calm. This exam will take up 20 percent of my grade. A huge amount. and yet I don’t feel any sort of panic. no worry. Nothing. I've studied as much as I really can, there is only one practice exam. My body is in shreds today. Yesterday was leg day. My energy levels feel okay however. I've had a hard time finding things that I want to do today. I played the guitar quite a bit, but had to stop since my fingers began to hurt. I had a hard time studying today, but I got at least 3 hours done, maybe 3 and a jhalf. The right sided headache came back, now I know for certain that its the edibles which are giving me headaches. super weird because I smoked weed last semester, and didn't get a headache like this. This must be either a Colorado weed problem or an edibles problem because I smoked with my cousins in Texas. I've noticed more of this strange calm lately, I have a few theories. There was a point where my mom was trying to argue with me about the swamp cooler. she wanted to shut down the water because there was a leak, and she was getting emotional and normally this would have been enough to piss me off, but I ended up just calmly explaining to her why there was a problem and the nature of the issue. zero emotional reaction. I've also noticed that during my break, during some of my walks I would just be thinking while I walked about things, and feel absolutely nothing about the landscape. I would just let it pass by and there was really no emotional reaction. I truly was just indifferent to it all. I think that the constant stress and emotional trauma has made me scar over. Of course I probably will be ranting again in another journal entry, but for now, I feel like I can probably handle the next month emotionally. I've been reading good night pun pun lately. Super depressing manga. Its strange, I dont relate as much to the main character so much right now. I haven't really thought about relationships or men or women as much lately. its just another fact of life to me at the moment, something that can happen, but wont for me. It doesn't even register emotionally to me anymore that I dont have a partner, its just another fact. I saw a video of this super bulky Russian dude playing master of puppets. I wish I had money for proper gear and had the time to get that huge. Strength is beautiful. nothing makes you more dissatisfyied with your own body than seeing someone like that. I am a little paunchy right now. I'll admit it. Im only 183 but I feel fat. I wrote to two people on slowly over the break, and they didn't write back. I feel like a complete sucker since I wrote some pretty long letters to those two fucks. I thought since I was really putting in an effort at least one of them would write back, but I guess not. And get this, one of them wrote to me first, saying they liked my website and that they were similar in being engi students with no social life. I am actively trying to cultivate a sort of social life, I would think that they would be in a similar situation as me as well. whatever, I've got another letter arriving soon. I can go get ignored with that one instead. I am somewhat over the website madness at the moment. I may need to really get into the game as a technical project to obsess over or just start doing art a little more. I need to engage in hobbies more, this social media thing is sorta out of control for me. I am really wasting good time here. I got a haircut over the break, My mom says I look better with it. I sort of agree. Its going to be a very busy week. I need to go on campus for like 4/5th of the week. its times like this when just laying over and slowly dying feel like a better alternative than college. I texted [redacted] a little bit today. It was nice, I really miss him. I wish I had some more good friends like him. people around me constantly. my website is attracting less and less people. It was doing like 7 views a day, and had reached a max of 22 views one day for some reason. Now its at like 2. I think its because I stopped interacting with it as much. Whatever, I tend to get obsessed with things like that for some reason. Like lately I've been playing a little cat collector game on my phone called neko atsume, where you set out things for the neighborhood cats and they give you gifts based on how nice of a yard you have. basically you just check it once and a while to collect gifts and refresh the cat food, but I've been obsessively checking this app trying to maximize the amount of golden fish I can get from the kitties. why? I have no idea its deeply appealing to the OCD part of my mind. or when I posted a project on imgur and saw how the views were going up to like 5000 and couldn't stop obsessing over the view count. But imgur views mean nothing really. I just hope I get over this headache soon and get back to full brain power, buying those edibles was a mistake. I should throw them away.

Spent half the day working on setting up the swamp cooler today. I made the stupid mistake of switching around the eletrical outlets which control which pump activates, so it was only wetting the pads every hour and flushing the tank water constantly. Took me a moment to realize what happened. Spring break has been pretty nice so far, I went out and bought some edibles on tuesday. I took 2 that day, and it was pretty strong, not enough to green out but it definitely help bring out some subconscious stress I was carrying around. The next day I was pretty groggy, but not hung over. I went for a walk today, it was pretty nice. finished my recording of suffer the children, I can finally move on to a new song WHOO! I was thinking of doing within the mind by death, that song is freaking awesome.

Lately I've been spending a lot of time working on my website. I find that Even though it’s a lot of work, I’ve been able to enter into this sort of obsessive flow state that I've been chasing via my tech undergrad studies. This is what I have been hoping ECEE would be. I think if I’m going to be able to stay sane for the next few years I need to consistently be working on projects. I think I'll get into making games next! I just can’t believe all it took to get me back to the game was taking a web design course, how something so simple as that was all that I needed. I've missed two quizzes in that course, and my grade has suffered. I’m at a 82 percent, spring break is here. I don’t like how low that grade is, but I've learned that the min to pass is a d-. That still doesn't feel right, I don’t want to place my bets on that. Me and the capstone team went out for our team building activity. The gaming lounge was closed so we ended up just getting food and talking. Conversation got stale around the 1-hour mark, [redacted] and [redacted] were the only ones left talking, Everyone else was looking at their phone or laptop, they were discussing the quality of phone networks. freaking great dude. I left soon after that, went to the [redacted] building and worked on my site for a few hours. I've been super tired today, some days I am just 100% sapped of energy for no reason. I have a fuck load of laundry and a whoooole bunch of chores. I need to clean the bathroom. I just want to sleep for a few centuries. I've been messaging that guy on slowly, little pen pal. it takes two days for letters to deliver. He complemented my drawings and music. He draws well too. It’s nice to be complemented, I’m not letting it go to my head. My site got 10 views today! wow! The number was 4 views per day but then got to 10. I think it’s because I redid the home page to have more stuff in it, prolly attracted more viewers. I think that it’s good to be on the lookout for views but not be wholly obsessed with them. I want people to see my cool site, but really the end goal is to make online friends. I just want to find a situation where there are some people who follow my stuff and I follow their stuff and we can just be neat little internet buddies!. Something like how [redacted] and I on Tumblr worked out. It’s nice to know that at least I am making someone happy with my online presence. I can’t really be myself in real life, so it’s like giving the real me a walk around the neighborhood, and a little real social interaction. I am still a little on the fence about if I want to share everything in my journals on the site. Probably not, likely it will be a selective thing. I think that making pcbs might be a fun little project, but they cost money ohhh so sad. , lclcclclclclclclclclclclclclclclclclclclclclclclclclclclclclclclcl Today was a long day, I had to stay past 6:00 because we are now starting our group projects in the class. We have this lame ass project which is a skill share page. boring. I would rather make something like a website dedicated to lobster fighting//s I watched an episode of squid games s2 today with mumsy. It was decent. god I hope that I start feeling less tired soon. I think I’ll go to the gym tomorrow, freshen up a bit. I haven't been working out as much lately, most likely due to the website project. I've been working on this thing way too much. just recently I reformatted the site with 11ty, which i am a little unsure if it was worth the effort. It took a bit of time to get set up, and then I reorganized the site assets into better folders, but then I had to update all the paths to the images and stuff, I am still not done the whole dream log needs to be updated. All the while I could have been making new stuff for the site. I've got to sign up for summer courses, I haven't done that yet. Also, I need a haircut. SO MUCH SHIT TO DO! I just need a month off. to fully detox/.

right now, I am feeling burnt out, not horribly so, I am not completely hopeless, but I am burnt out. I haven't journaled in a while. I don’t think that means I am any less lonely it’s just stopped being a habit. I've just been dealing with the feeling of loneliness without an outlet. Lately whenever I have time to go for a walk which really isn't often, I find myself crying while I drive back home. I guess having time to reflect on my feelings opens everything I've been bottling inside. Hard to be emotional when you are stressed out and overworked. During my last walk I could hardly enjoy it, I couldn't keep myself thinking about the future, how terrible life would be, working a 9-5 until I fucking die. and even a 9-5 isn't even guaranteed with the way things look politically. Worker rights might be eroded to the point of global slavery. Who knows, things are bleak. The thought of killing myself has danced across my mind once or twice, lucky my schedule is manageable or that might be a more prominent idea. I recently played delta rune, it was great but now I am left empty without much to look forwards to. Not really being moved by any of my games or shows. I guess game of thrones is cool scratch that. I have to remind myself of what is good in life lately. I think it’s pretty easy to think negatively. Early in the semester I was heavily thinking about creating a website, a neo cities site that I could gain some sort of online presence with and find online friends through. It sort of bothers me that went through a web dev phase as a teen and have nothing to show for it, I learned JavaScript and didn't even make a website. I think now is the best time for that, but the wicked irony is that I am burnt out during my free time and don’t feel like making a site. Even while I am taking a web dev course. I think that the break would be the best time to do it. Just get like the barebones going, get some momentum and then maybe I could just work on it little by little. The hardest part of doing things sometimes is just building momentum. I've started drinking a little bit of coffee again. bad habit. I agonize over the fact that I have a year and some change left in my schooling so much. I am almost 1/4th of my way through the rest of the semesters I need to take, and this one semester has felt like an eternity. and I need to work over the summer too. and then I fucking work for the rest of my life. It really doesn't ever end period, does it? what’s the fucking point.do people enjoy their lives? it seems like happiness is a fucking sham. I don’t think that there really is a point to all of this.

its almost the end of winter break, I haven't written much in this journal lately. I'm on day 5 of my coffee detox, feeling pretty good right now. Earlier on in the semester I cut back by a cup and now I am not drinking coffee at all. Feeling much more relaxed, but that could just be the effects of being on break. I've spent a lot of my break just depressed honestly, not having any connections from the semester made it so that I didn't have anyone to do anything with. And forget being outside, the weather is too damn cold to be out there. Another thing I've been doing a lot of is just staring into space trying to figure out what I even want to do, Sometimes I'll finish eating or finish up what I was doing previously and be at a complete loss as to what I should do with myself. During the semester I've mostly filled my free time with video games and tv shows, but now that I have time off I feel like I really should be working on more fulfilling things, like some of my previous hobbies, like drawing or writing or making stuff. and sometimes I just don’t have the will to get into those things, but I have a feeling that I want to be working on that stuff. I guess just starting is really difficult. The problem I had yesterday was that I wanted to draw but didn't know what to draw, so I just reverted back to drawing more of the garden of earthly delights, knowing that it would probably just be good practice, starting. I think maybe thats the way to do it, just have like some really easy practice material to start up with, like a warm up exercise, do that for like 15 minutes or 10 minutes, and then get into some of the hard stuff. Idk. I am not looking forwards to capstone 2. the others will be fine, just in terms of the material, but I am also not looking forwards to the social aspect. I just fucking know that people are going to be terrible, I just know that I'll try to make friends in class and it will fall flat on its face, its never worked out in my engineering classes the people there fucking suck so bad. I think that if I join a club and be consistent with it, maybe the running club, maybe I can get some friends at the end of the semester. I want to do the running club, but I am a little afraid that they would leave me in the dust, or that it would be too hard since [redacted] I plan on doing a meeting this next Friday, see how it goes, and then if it doesn't work out the first time I will go over to the card game club. I do really want to do the running club however, the running meetup I did around [redacted] seemed promising, it was all older people but if it was younger people I think I could get into it. Plus when I mentioned my plan to [redacted] he said that he heard that running people are extra horny. I don’t know where he heard this, but I looked it up and I guess some people report that they get horned up after they run. on reddit. If that has any validity, that could be a good way to have a little fun, I couldn't get the dating apps to work for attracting women and I just really don’t want to go through with that for men. I don’t like the idea of meeting up with strangers until I've at least seen them a few times and feel comfortable with being around them, to make sure they are not serial killers or will rob me or something. plus there are plenty of ugly men out there who kept hitting me up. wasn't a fan of that. There is a strange pain in my ear, it sucks. I was completely filled with dread yesterday thinking about returning to college, and the next four years of the trump presidency. It should be okay overall, its a pretty balanced schedule but I still couldn't help it. Sometimes I think that I seriously need help, its my break and I've just been in bed most of the time, I guess I just need to learn how to effectively switch tasks because whenever I am working on something or playing a game I feel okay, so maybe its just that I need to get better at getting into stuff, just starting.